I save more than the average American on food

Photo by Micheile Henderson on Unsplash

I don’t want to waste your time, so I’ll tell you this right off the bat:

• It’s not because I have a backyard garden, though that sure helps. I mean, imagine this: you buy a packet of organic seeds for $2 to $4, it comes with more seeds than you’ll need for one planting season, and the plant just keeps on giving.
• Yes, we don’t eat out often, but that’s not it either. I’m an adventurous eater with gastrointestinal issues, so I save my organs a lot of work by cooking most of my food. Okay, fine, my husband does most of the cooking.
• It’s worth noting that we buy what we need. Do you really need that spinach in bulk? I know, you know, and the ghosts in your fridge know it just goes to waste — downsize your produce; purchase what you need.
• Lastly, it’s not because we shop at a farmer’s market, which is both fun and a money-saver. Visiting our local farmers costs us about $60 every Sunday, and their bundles are always just the right size — it’s like fairy magic.

But the trick that saves me the most on my grocery bill is eating off the floor. And, no, I don’t mean in a respectable way like in some Asian cultures. If I drop my dinner on the linoleum, I pick it up and eat it anyway.

Science says this could be bad because food makes contact with bacteria as soon as it hits the floor — the 5-second rule is a lie. What do scientists know anyway, am I right? They’ve been warning us about climate change for years, and last I checked Florida is still on land.

Cheatsheet: In case the last joke didn’t hit, I believe in science :) Be patient with me as I work on becoming an award-winning humor writer.